For years I have wanted to write something about sex when it comes to marriage. In fact, I have a lot of saved drafts here on my blog which I’ve never finished. So, I was really grateful to Iridescent for inviting me to write a piece called ‘Expectations for Sex on Your Wedding Night‘.

Writing it has made me realise the reason I probably hadn’t written it yet because I’m not done processing. Ultimately I never will be but what I have realised is that I am probably only now beginning to unpick a lot of things I learned.

Re-thinking everything

In the article they highlighted the line:

‘I didn’t have sex before I got married, and I’m glad that I made that decision but as I reflect back I feel sad that I made the decision mostly out of fear.’

And that is something I keep coming back to…

Shame and fear have had so much of an impact with my relationship towards to sex. And, that was mainly because of the way sex was taught in church. (Although there’s so much to be said also for how it was taught in school the differing of attitudes towards males and females, particularly amongst teens.) All of a sudden once I was married this thing – which had been forbidden and portrayed as the worst possible mistake I could have made pre-marriage – was allowed and even to be treasured and enjoyed. But that shame and fear doesn’t just go away. Especially when the conversation around it all is still not being had.

I don’t want that for my kids.

I want them to feel an easiness, that I never had, to talk openly about sex. For them to see it as precious and wonderful and a gift from God. I don’t want guilt and shame to get in the way of that. I’m not done processing how to teach them that, I’m not sure I ever will be. However, what I do know is that I need to re-think it all for myself as I begin that journey with them.

This week I listened to an episode of the wonderful Lu Cook’s podcast Permission to… sex! and I loved hearing this conversation being had. I shall keep reading and listening and no doubt let you know when I’ve done some more thinking. I’d love to know whether this is something you’re thinking about too.


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